Back to Fall after Heating up with Summer

Well we are back into fall with hectic school schedules and streets. The students are back and my daughter is engaged in her senior year. (That means I am engaged as well, both at work and at home).

and yes Amherst has gone back to its usual concerns:

town meetings, school budgets, and UMASS issues

which have kept the pages of the Amherst Bulletin full (well not really full- but the slots have been taken) -

so my piece on a lighter and more social note was not published.

Here it is for those who want a peak at the activity on the dance, singles, and dating scene.

Over the summer I actually stayed clear of the Iron Horse as the heat-weather wise increased and I was busy engaging more heatedly in my relationship and with dance and school tours with my daughter.

So the cycle goes.



Heating up with summer

Jim Oldham recently wrote

"It's summer, mid-July, a quiet time for politics and town government. Or is it?”

Well, in Amherst and the Valley, summer may or may not be a time for heated political controversy – but it does seem to heat up on the social scene. And this begins in the late spring.

As the snow cover melts and the ground warms, many seem to shed their timidity along with their cold New England covers and venture out to find their mates or re-engage with them. Yes the Rites of spring begin anew.

What do we notice? Well first of all the bars and cafes fill up, especially during the weeks before graduation.

Heading into the Iron Horse on a Tuesday night in mid-May for salsa - of the movement kind - one could hardly find room on the multi-ethnic dance floor. Bodies beginning to sweat were still shifting ever more close, syncopating their rhythms, while the minds set on the hunt were sensing the smells and interpreting the signals of the pheromones released. Some nights seemed to get quite steamy.

Late night, when the Regaton began, a few young females backed their butts into their as yet un-introduced male partners. Even for older dancers, and by that I mean the over 40 crowd, the engagement intensified and the warmth continued to help break down barriers between generations and cultures.

With summer, and more space on the floor, the dances provide an inviting place to make connections and expand one’s repertoire, movement or other. A follower might rest her head intimately in the crook of her leader’s neck during a slower, more sensual and cooler, Bolero.

While activity in the local gyms may also quiet down after the initial spring rush to get in shape, the local ponds, hike, and bike paths fill up. These places provide a chance to cool off, burn off stress and pounds, and allow cruisers to meet. Dropping by Puffers, one is almost always able to dip and quip with some current, former, or future friend or lover.

The elements of earth, water, and air nurture our awareness of our sensual selves. If you add a little fire - of the elemental or personal kind - well passions may ignite, and they flare more evidently in summer.

Perusing the local and national online dating sites one can also see an increase in activity with old and new profiles. It is a yearly phenomenon. How do I know? Well I have observed and participated as one of the many almost hidden, older, singles in the Valley.

For many middle age persons during the school year the focus is on children, work, and home. One sees people engaged as couples, or in groups, at school and family events. By the late spring and summer, some of these couplings seem to fall apart as the children enter a new phase of schooling, or as the semester of undergrad, grad school, and teaching ends. One friend revealed to me that her husband of 20-something years just left with no warning indications, the day after her youngest graduated high school.

Those tired of the same old same-old seem to strike out anew, either publicly or clandestinely. On Match.com pages with 16 profiles each, local males ages 42-55, increase from about 10 to between 25 and 30. Approximately 200 out of 450 of these men are often ‘active’ within 24 hours. These are ones with photos, including updated pics with happier smiling faces in a natural setting, often along with dogs and motorcycles. The drab, disappointed looks of frustration and winter dreariness disappear, though some never seem to age as they resurface, year after year, seeking the ‘right’ one.

On the adult sites more men directly seek ‘discreet’ connections. These are ones not ready or willing to leave convenient or caring, professed 'loving', marriages for the seduction of sex that spring and summer sparks.

So are these searches successful? Well on the more erotic sites it seems the number of ladies looking is about 1 for every 17-20 men. Do the math. But in terms of ‘relationship’ seekers, more women are out in droves. On Match, about 140 out of about 385 local women ages 42 to 55 within 25 miles of Amherst are ‘active’ within 24 hours.

What I witness in the summer is greetings by numerous new couples on the streets and at places like Amherst coffee, Raos, Amherst Brewery, Fitzwillies, and La Cazuela. They hold hands on the way into Amherst Cinema, the Yiddish book Center, the Calvin, and Bishop’s Lounge.

Late spring, I glanced up over my weight training machine to notice a new face at the gym, and found a matching photo and profile online later that week. With the school year coming to a close, this academic family man, new to divorce and the dating scene, decided to emerge from his cocoon and check out the other butterflies. Luckily for me he also liked to dance and was willing to try out a new partner. I knew that I had to move quickly to invite him for wine and tango before the early summer rush.

With new romances budding like flowers, Amherst and the Valley are quite active in the spring and summer months. By fall these new relationships may be seasoned, and then solidified more privately over the long winter, or they may have bloomed and burned up with the intense heat. Either way the activity will likely wane and Amherst will go back to its usual concerns; town meetings, school budgets, and UMASS issues.

What Midlife Women May Need From A Man Before Having Sex

Again- reading and responding to a post:
What Women May Need from a Man before Having Sex, as posted by the Dating Goddess

I have many thoughts on this topic and hopefully will compile and compose them at some time for consumption (umm). Here are some.

Please read her summary of basic points from Laws of the Jungle-Dating for Women Over 40:

It seems that there are 4 basic areas that may need to exist for a woman to feel 'chemistry' and agree to sex-

Positive personal traits and acceptability

The possibility and potential of an ongoing relationship

Willingness for a man to 'invest' in her emotionally and materially

That there is at least some physical attraction on both sides, or at least that there are no physical turn-offs.

For a man simply

He must find her physically attractive.

She is willing.

It seems that if all or many of the criteria are not met, the women find sex is unfulfilling and pointless.

Here is MY response:

On an important note.
What women and men say may reflect more on their own awareness of their motivations than actuality.

Men’s quick and gut reactions ARE as they say-
A woman should be attractive and willing-

But they too may have other desires and qualifications especially as they mature.

Importantly for midlife daters (and others):

A woman and a man may want to know that the prospective partner is STD free - and to determine that and whether to trust your partner may take time.

Women may have better impulse control and so choose to take more time to ‘investigate’.

Women may be concerned with attractiveness and certainly also need to test a man’s ‘willingness’.

They may want sex as much as men, but understand the implications of ACTING too quickly on this.

Yes, much may be the same for a younger woman, or younger and older men. And Age may not be as relevant as objective and experience with dating and relationship building.

Objectives change over the course of one’s life.

Many women DO want sex and not necessarily ‘committed’ or ‘exclusive’ relationships, especially when working on their careers or coming out of a divorce or sexless/loveless marriage.

Many women may be judged more harshly for admitting this or acting on this. It is more acceptable if in a ‘relationship’.

Being open to sex, does not mean not ALSO wanting affection, caring or consideration, and attention.

This also goes for men.

Defining commitment is important. One can be ‘commited’ to an ongoing relationship and yet not present in the moments you are sharing with a partner.

Ability to be committed and attentive in the moment, whether it is one date or more, may be more important for a woman in determining if she wishes to have sex.

Many maturer men and women may find that disconnected, inattentive, slam-bang, eyes tight shut sex becomes more and more unfufilling and unmeaningful over time.

Ones perception of ‘boredom’ may have as much to do with the openess and creativity in one’s own mind as to do with the behavior of another.

Women may wish to test the prospective creativity of the mind of the man she may choose to have sex with, to assess the quality of the sex they might have together.

A wise and maturer man may choose to do the same even if he feels that immediate tug of chemistry.

Again much depends on objectives, stage of life, skill set and experience.

Alison

What Makes a Man Attractive?

Was reading Evan Katz's blog and comments on What Makes a Man attractive, and added my own.

After reading his entry and the responses, including my own, I would love to hear directly from you - men and women.

What do you particularly find attractive?

Is it in the particulars of a person - or are there general areas that appeal regardless of the individual?

Can you identify patterns or similarities in the men you are attracted to?

If you are a man- what do YOU think the women in your life find attractive about you?

If you are a woman- what do you agree or disagree with in terms of this post?

You can respond to the statements, mostly emphasized in bold or block quoted.

My response to Evan-

Ok- agreed with Marc, and still feel that it is all unclear or way too simplistic.

Maybe the point is that a man (or woman) who confronts his/her fears, challenges, and blocks to forge ahead with a passion (and what about vision?), is more likely to succeed and gain competency, and so be attractive.

This does seem to be true. Competency and Skills often equate to power. And Power is a powerful aphrodesiac.

However I also hear the woman who found her husband, striving to learn the piano, very ’sexy’.

Maybe there is an attractive quality that comes from dedication, focus, and ability to follow through and grow, regardless of whether it leads to mastery?

Maybe if the partner is not at all interested in the particular arena of mastery of the man - there would be NO appeal.

Maybe it is the attention and care a man demonstrates in managing his business, art, or other, that appeals to a woman who might feel he could then attend to her as well?

Looking further back to this prescription for ‘attractive’:
“You have to be cocky. You have to have a sense of humor. You have to keep her off-balance by putting her down and showing her you’re in control. ”

These are also too simplistic and the last statement disturbs me.

I do not think it is necessarily true. I wonder about the value of these advisors and the interpretations of men listening.

Cocky in a way that exudes confidence - yes
Cocky in a way that is arrogant and self-centered- not to a mature woman

Humor in a way that is teasing, fun, and enlightening- yes
Humor that shows negativity and comes from a hurt place, that tends to sarcasm and may be mean and hurtful- No to a healthy listener

Off-balance in a way that she is surprised and cannot put the man in a category to shelve and forget,so she wishes to know and experience more- yes

Off-balance in a way that is so unpredictable and unaccountable, or indicates possibilities of mental illness (or results from the man being a liar-gambler-cheat)- No

Putting her down or showing you are in control- NO
I do not think putting ANYONE down is positive or really necessary to enhance one’s appeal.

To challenge someone to grow, to take charge and lead in an adventure (sexual or other) can be VERY appealing.

(and this can go both ways)

The NEED to control and demean (or put down) comes from insecurity and often a lack of SELF-CONTROL, awareness, and compassion.

This is NOT appealing to a mature woman (or man)

Curious to hear responses-

I think it is important for Evan and readers to realize that the ideas here are presented as observations, some with research to back, and some really coming out of the writer’s own preferences.

We are not all the same and these preferences vary, even for the same person, with time/age/experience. That is the beauty.

Alison

P.S. Passion is good of course.

I think most would assume that someone exuding passion in one area is capable of being passionate in others (like in bed...)

What's not to like about that?

Dating and Relationship Discussions

Ok,

Many of my friends know of my interest in the subject of male/female relationships and gender differences. This comes from both my own struggles within marriage, post-divorce, as a mother of both a son and daughter, and as a woman who has been dating in mid-life. It also comes from trying to understand the confusing dynamics of my own family, as well as my friend's families, that I witnessed growing up. It even comes from observations of office gender politics.

As I work on computers and have access to the internet I have read many advice columns, research articles, and done my own investigation via internet dating services. I was a psychology major in college, have read numerous books, participated in therapy, and had many discussions with both men and women on this topic.

I am still formulating insights and finding where they resonate with others in the field (both as consultants or participants). As I test some of the 'theories' out and try some suggestions I may choose to share the thoughts and results here, in newspapers, books, and with others via their blogs.

Following this post will be others pointing to some of my comments and reflections on particular topics.

I hope to bring some of these ideas and insights to this site for further dialogue and comments.


Sidebar - so far I seem to be successfully engaging with a new potential partner and have developed deeper satisfying friendships with men. This may indicate I have learned something useful :)

Online Dating and Midlife Misc

Well,

After so many years of varied wonderful and strange experiences, and personal research on the dating scene (much of it via online sites as I work on computers daily), I have met an amazing soul that seems suitably matched.

And yes, partly we were able to make contact via an online dating site, though I had first sighted him at the gym, and we would have met via dancing and musical interests sooner or later.

I may write more about this lovely budding story, but meanwhile am enjoying it's creation.

Still I do want to say I continue to be fascinated by male/female relationships, dating challenges, and gender differences and communication, and I am working on my own story/book to build on the articles I have already published that have generated encouraging responses, such as:

Single women over 50 face challenges, Dating Boomers can be unrealistic,
and Why Women don't want 'Nice' men

(none of which are my original titles by the way...)

Meanwhile I enjoy reading other 'Expert' advice - some which may not be so expert or experienced- some very perceptive and supportive of my own ideas and insights.

You can follow Evan Katz's blog entry on the question Why Does He Put Me On His Favorites List And Never Write To Me? which include my and other readers' responses.

Ciao,
Alison