Ephemeral moments, meeting Baryshnikov

In January 2004 Mikhail Baryshnikov came to Holyoke, MA to perform a series of solos. Having been a ballet dancer and long time admirer of this marvelous embodiment of playful male, trickster-like, energy, I grabbed this opportunity to see him 'live', meet, and perhaps dance with him as there was to be a pre-performance party. I got tickets for my young daughter, a creative mover, budding Lindy Hopper, and who was studying ballet once again as a young teen. I also wished to inspire her (and myself) with the possibilities of movement and expression well into middle age, and share a hoped for spectacular performance. Both of us were confident on the social dance floor and willing to engage with this star.

Well as things manifested, Baryshnikov showed up very late to the party, flying in from Paris and the shooting of the final episode he appeared in for Sex in the City. He was exhausted, did not come out on the dance floor, and only a few were allowed to meet him and get his autographs. The next night after a mixed performance of mostly post-modern choreography, with some very fine subtle gestural and dramatic moments but not as much energy or movement as a younger Sasha would have been capable of, there was an opportunity to meet him backstage.

As a 50 year old former dancer, with a Russian heritage, I felt compelled to connect if I could. Pushing aside the awkwardness of being a 'fan' and waiting on line - we managed to meet the 'man' just before he retired for the evening. A freelance photographer Dan Overton was there alongside us and looking for a photo-op for his assignment for the Holyoke Sun. He shot Baryshnikov with my daughter, after signing my old pointe shoes, and then managed a shot with me and Baryshnikov (who by now was being generous as it was obvious he was spent). Unfortunately some other woman jumped into this moment of 'mine'.

Dan promised us photos, whether printed or not. However after giving a release for Mariel's photo to be used, and my address,I never did receive any prints or get to see the published article.

Our special moment which we worked at to create, began to fade into only our memories, though periodically for years I tried to trace and access a photo or copy. First I contacted the then editor of the Sun, Hope, who provided contact info for Dan, but Dan never replied.

This fall- once more, with contact information from the small paper now online, I recontacted the editor. Perhaps the issues were now archived?

This was my response-

"I'm sorry to inform you that there is no information on a Dan Overton here. I am the new editor and have been here for one year and never have heard of him. I wouldn't have any way of contacting him any better than you. As far as archives, we don't keep bound books any longer, and we don't keep loose papers from that far back. We certainly don' t have anything on disk because our main office was flooded around then. I'm really sorry I can't help, it's just too long ago. Also, if Mr. Overton was a freelancer, which I'm assuming he was because The SUN has no full-time staff, we wouldn't have the rights to give away his photo anyhow.

Regards,
Aimee H"


I guess- the paper and print trail is not meant to be followed, floods and all. If 5 years ago is too long to trace, how in the world do folks trace back 100s of years? Persistance and luck. I feel for historians and those tracing roots and family.

I guess our moments with Mikhail are just to remain in our minds, and any of those that witnessed. I doubt he has much memory of it, or that it had any meaning for him. We were just more passing (and pressing) fans on his continuum.

Letting it go into the continuum of time and memory.

Exploring during seasonal transition

Here are some photos of me from a hike in the Pioneer Valley, along woodsy paths in Leverett, that explored sites that perhaps were native American archeological sacred places. Most were organized pilings of stone. Some had Equinox orientations, or were near other ledges where fires could once have been lit and stories told. Some may have been colonial, as these woods used to be cleared for farms.

This was a 'chamber' created on a stream with cascades. One could sit or lie in it. It felt like a meditation site, full of female energy, in which womblike, one could feel protected and focus on the rushing water sounding outside the stones around one. Right now there were leaks and the chamber was wet. There was some quartz on the inside amongst other fieldstones that were piled outside.

Anyway,
The fall is certainly moving in, although I expect a bout of Indian Summer which often happens around my birthday. As things settle, I hope to write a bit more and post some photos from the Guatemala trip.

Meanwhile, it is a time for reflection and gathering forces. L'shana tova. If we don't get to share a meal, may all find folks to walk with, eat with, pray with, be at peace and thankful with.

Let's hope for a turn around in the world around us.

Depression : Out of the Shadows

PBS produced and ran a special Depression: Out of the Shadows

Having suffered from severe depression and the stigma surrounding those who suffer, I was deeply grateful to hear of and see the program. I think those patients and families who have had an opportunity to speak out and help others must be grateful souls and I applaud their courage. I too would like to speak out and help others as well as become an active advocate towards change in the attitudes and policies of our society.

I experienced over 3 years of struggling with treatment and medications, and survived an unsupportive workplace that contributed to my nearly giving up. Many friends and family did indeed expect me just to 'get over it'.

I was thankful for those who stood by witnessing this painful period, and continued to hold out a light, perspective, even while I could not smile nor feel much of anything. While I would not condone suicide, I fully understand that extreme longing for relief from what was indeed mental AND physical anguish.

Love and concern for my children prodded me on to persevere (as well as some VERY close friends). Will power did come into play and the training from my academic background, a major in psychology from Smith, helped me to have an intellectual perspective. I continued to read and do research towards understanding and coping with the illness.

I think the program or follow-ups could and should emphasize how the insurance system, and negative family and work attitudes can adversely effect those who suffer. One block to succesful treatment is the expense of (and lack of access to) brain scans which could help diagnose and treat anxiety /depression and contributes to many suffering from long term trial and error of mixing of medications that in themselves can have severe side effects, so severe to even cause suicidal thoughts or actions.

Also contact with medical professionals is minimal over the long trial and error period of medications where severely depressed persons really need more monitoring and more constant care.

If there is shame, or shyness, on top of anxiety/depression- it is extremely difficult for patients to advocate for themselves. Many shun contact with the depressed, where contact could be an important/esential part of the support and healing that is needed. On that note the use of touch towards healing, or maintaining mental health, was not really covered. Tiffany Field's research, Ashley Montague and others could be referred to.

I must say that viewing the program brought tears to my eyes: sadness - not depression, though I could also recall the darkness. I am very grateful that I can feel joy (lots of it) these days. It takes a lot of self-care to maintain however.

With the darkest years behind, yes it does feel like I am out of the shadows for the most, I think about writing in more detail about my experience and the atrocious treatment/attitudes I was subjected to at work, the struggles of single parenting and maintaining a home that piled on the pressure, and the moments with friends and family that made survival even possible. Still sometimes it seems too close to consider - stirring up some of the anxiety, fear and negativity I worked hard to move past.

Anyway. I do recommend and refer this site for support and research! you can watch the program here

Also - you can read my piece: Are you Zippy, a more personal snippet.