Are Mom's lost? An Answer from a Mom

An answer to John Robison who posed the question in his blog entry.

"When I follow the links from your comments, and read your own blogs, in many cases I read almost exclusively about kid raising. And it leads me to wonder.

You must have several lives going on all at once . . not just kid-raising. Where are they? "

Well,

First of all I do hope to address concerns and reveal some of the 'lives' I live, and thoughts I have, that extend beyond my family.

As to work: computer progamming in a development office at a University is less than fascinating to me...Do you really want me to BLOG about it?


This is some of my longer answer to John:

Hey John,


I am happy we got to touch base in person at least for a short while before your leap further into the media spotlights.

Time- is an issue and focus. (Ah the mom excuse ...)

Have been caught up in being a mom this past week, mostly trying to negotiate college funding with men who see things almost exclusively from their perspective and desires and are NOT concerned with other family/children issues nor MY being able to turn my assets and time towards developing myself.

Trying to engage towards a 'cooperative' agreement with a bright, determined, uni-focused son who has been ill, preferred to sleep most of the days, does and did not plan well ahead, does not wish to look at facts or take time to analyse and understandably has difficulty being in the middle of two parents who differ, along with trying to enagage a provocative and uncommunicative ex-who is always the victim, witholds documentation and details to support decision making- and who seems to think one day and 2 weeks out of the year with his son, and a few weekends with his daughter, is enough time for his commitment to his children... (Other than HE works- as if I don't) .... has left little time (or energy ) for ME.

On top of this I did manage to carve out some time for working, teaching, swimming, dancing tango, a bit of writing, love-making, paying bills, tending a sick cat, and ah yes- sleep. (and a phone call or two to you)

But the main focus was the children and concerns around them; financing, feeding, driving, attention to THEIR interests and concerns, etc.

I think it is a matter of biology , society, values, and the reality of survival- in the interest of the success of the next generation.

As to writing and talking about it. That too is partly biology, socialization and values.

I hear an implicit judgment that 'Moms are lost', or will be, if they focus so much on children - that they become boring, and lack diversity.

I think that is what MEN mainly see, think, feel and judge. Women sharing these concerns and topics with each other can be endlessly engaged and find meaning and direction from each other, besides support.

Our society does not VALUE this.

Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

A career focused female like Hillary Clinton is seen as a cold calculating bitch...not feminine...

We all talk (and write) about what concerns us most at the time and what we have partly been raised and encouraged to do.

What about men that talk about cars, motorcylces, sports, and audio equipment as their obssesions? What is so damn diverse and interesting about that? What is so meaningful?

One might say it is selfish,childish, about power and mastery, competition, and 'typical', vs. nurturing, caring, and community building.

Where does it leave the men if they don't have women to love, have sex with, and keep the family web working? The women who queston them and provide a key to their understanding and accepting themselves and the world?


What happens when kids leave, is similar to what happened before women had them. Women can return to some of the interests and activities that they were excited about as young girls, or develop new passions, careers, hobbies, and friends.

They can maybe sleep again more peacefully.

We all may start talking and writing more about aging as that takes more attention and becomes a strong personal (and societal) concern.

You write about your life-

I am your friend and so find it fascinating from that perspective alone. It is an opportunity for me to know you better - and connect. It provides context and allows for compassion.

These are typical female interests, concerns, perspectives.

As I have also have a niece with Autism/Aspergers it is interesting though frankly not as informative as some research articles and experts who work with this would be, or talking with my sister directly about her child.

(Ah mothers with children again)

And then - on top- you have some strange and funny stories to tell and do it with style.

an aside

Just wondering how much of this post has been provoked by my discussions, complaints, and questions about male/female relationships, and the different struggles we have shared with each other about our lives and seeking balance - with a little time to express our souls.

Recall:
Your focus on Asperger's became an obssession
One - because you are blessed with that kind of mind

Two - because you found out about it and were encouraged to write about it.

Three- your writing and experience is marketable.


Your ability to write and do the book thing is partly possible because you do have a mate to help on the home front. Jack is older- and needs less attention and both allows for time, and your brother paved the way.

Besides you also get lots of encouragement from female friends (and readers) :) .

There is SOOOO much more to this topic.

And yes males may be both more shy, more private, and also less eager to reveal their ideas to a group.... perhaps more direct and detailed?

As to blogging about diverse thing etc.

What IS appropriate to blog about? Is mine diverse? Will it be if I get the time to write about ALL that concerns me?

It could be more so- Would anyone read it except if they were pointed to it or interested in the particular topic?

And what is NOT appropriate to blog about? I've gotten feedback that I'm too revealing... both personally and about ideas I may wish to market.

Safer if I just talked about the kids?

Alison

What Makes a Man Attractive?

Was reading Evan Katz's blog and comments on What Makes a Man attractive, and added my own.

After reading his entry and the responses, including my own, I would love to hear directly from you - men and women.

What do you particularly find attractive?

Is it in the particulars of a person - or are there general areas that appeal regardless of the individual?

Can you identify patterns or similarities in the men you are attracted to?

If you are a man- what do YOU think the women in your life find attractive about you?

If you are a woman- what do you agree or disagree with in terms of this post?

You can respond to the statements, mostly emphasized in bold or block quoted.

My response to Evan-

Ok- agreed with Marc, and still feel that it is all unclear or way too simplistic.

Maybe the point is that a man (or woman) who confronts his/her fears, challenges, and blocks to forge ahead with a passion (and what about vision?), is more likely to succeed and gain competency, and so be attractive.

This does seem to be true. Competency and Skills often equate to power. And Power is a powerful aphrodesiac.

However I also hear the woman who found her husband, striving to learn the piano, very ’sexy’.

Maybe there is an attractive quality that comes from dedication, focus, and ability to follow through and grow, regardless of whether it leads to mastery?

Maybe if the partner is not at all interested in the particular arena of mastery of the man - there would be NO appeal.

Maybe it is the attention and care a man demonstrates in managing his business, art, or other, that appeals to a woman who might feel he could then attend to her as well?

Looking further back to this prescription for ‘attractive’:
“You have to be cocky. You have to have a sense of humor. You have to keep her off-balance by putting her down and showing her you’re in control. ”

These are also too simplistic and the last statement disturbs me.

I do not think it is necessarily true. I wonder about the value of these advisors and the interpretations of men listening.

Cocky in a way that exudes confidence - yes
Cocky in a way that is arrogant and self-centered- not to a mature woman

Humor in a way that is teasing, fun, and enlightening- yes
Humor that shows negativity and comes from a hurt place, that tends to sarcasm and may be mean and hurtful- No to a healthy listener

Off-balance in a way that she is surprised and cannot put the man in a category to shelve and forget,so she wishes to know and experience more- yes

Off-balance in a way that is so unpredictable and unaccountable, or indicates possibilities of mental illness (or results from the man being a liar-gambler-cheat)- No

Putting her down or showing you are in control- NO
I do not think putting ANYONE down is positive or really necessary to enhance one’s appeal.

To challenge someone to grow, to take charge and lead in an adventure (sexual or other) can be VERY appealing.

(and this can go both ways)

The NEED to control and demean (or put down) comes from insecurity and often a lack of SELF-CONTROL, awareness, and compassion.

This is NOT appealing to a mature woman (or man)

Curious to hear responses-

I think it is important for Evan and readers to realize that the ideas here are presented as observations, some with research to back, and some really coming out of the writer’s own preferences.

We are not all the same and these preferences vary, even for the same person, with time/age/experience. That is the beauty.

Alison

P.S. Passion is good of course.

I think most would assume that someone exuding passion in one area is capable of being passionate in others (like in bed...)

What's not to like about that?

Dating and Relationship Discussions

Ok,

Many of my friends know of my interest in the subject of male/female relationships and gender differences. This comes from both my own struggles within marriage, post-divorce, as a mother of both a son and daughter, and as a woman who has been dating in mid-life. It also comes from trying to understand the confusing dynamics of my own family, as well as my friend's families, that I witnessed growing up. It even comes from observations of office gender politics.

As I work on computers and have access to the internet I have read many advice columns, research articles, and done my own investigation via internet dating services. I was a psychology major in college, have read numerous books, participated in therapy, and had many discussions with both men and women on this topic.

I am still formulating insights and finding where they resonate with others in the field (both as consultants or participants). As I test some of the 'theories' out and try some suggestions I may choose to share the thoughts and results here, in newspapers, books, and with others via their blogs.

Following this post will be others pointing to some of my comments and reflections on particular topics.

I hope to bring some of these ideas and insights to this site for further dialogue and comments.


Sidebar - so far I seem to be successfully engaging with a new potential partner and have developed deeper satisfying friendships with men. This may indicate I have learned something useful :)